REVIEW: The CATS don’t have our tongue…

I love poetry, I love cats, I thought this would be the movie for me. I was wrong.

Haven’t seen the famous broadway musical CATS? I haven’t either, but I’m into musicals and this was by far the worst musical I have ever seen. After you get used to the horrible cat/human aliens you are watching on the big screen, this was one of the only movies I have ever walked out of in my life.

What was so bad about it? 

  • Absolutely no story. If you lightly dusted off the top of this movie, anyone can see it wasn’t going anywhere. Lazy storytelling.
  • It reminded me of the short story The Lottery by Shirley Jackson, and that is a deep sickening reference. Are they just going to sacrifice this cat at the end?
  • The multi-celebrity cameos. You either dazzle us with one or two OR have the entire cast as celebrities. There is no middle. But this was a random array of pick-n-mix celebrities who didn’t mesh well together.
  • Is this a comedy? Is it a drama? No it’s a random mix of half-ass ballet dancing and speaking only in poems while CGI’d as monster cats. I think the whole movie had two lines of dialogue and one included: “Are you alright dear?” from Judi Dench. You know its bad when Taylor Swift isn’t recognised by half the audience.
  • Horrible cat puns. “Cat got your tongue?” Nope. There was actual booing by multiple people every time a cat pun was made. Don’t be sorry, be better!
  • Why are only SOME of the cats wearing SHOES? Some cats come to the front of the screen and they are wearing nothing but Timerland-esque shoes. The only shoes I will forgive is the railway cat who was tap dancing, but he was also completely dressed.
  • What are these proportions?? One minute a cat is up to mid-calf on a human, next the size of the a mouse on railway tracks, then half the size of a giant statue. Make up your mind! This isn’t Ant-Man!

I literally just googled why is the musical CATS so popular and it said “memorable music that you can remember and sing”. WOW, no that is NOT what the movie just threw up at me. Worst movie of the year, don’t waste your money. I would rather watch JUMANJI II three times back-to-back than watch this again.

Surprisingly, I wasn’t the only one who thought it was bad. There was about eight or nine people walking out at the same time as me. If you have children, definitely don’t take them, this will not entertain them.